I had just broken off my engagement to a girl I had dated a little before and after my mission and also a short-term relationship with another girl that I had just broken up with when I wrote these entries.
14 Feb 07
"I just had this amazing insight this morning and it's interesting that it just so happens to be Valentine's Day too...Well the thought hit me and really opened my eyes to this. I thought about why I haven't found the girl I'm gonna marry yet, and why I have to have no one right now and why I must wait so long until I find her...and the thought came out of the blue...What would you think about and where would your heart rest, and what would you value most if you had the love of your life; the girl you're going to marry right now? And it caught me off-guard and I was like whoa! If I was in a relationship, how much time would be devoted to God versus her? I realized that I'm so lonely that right now I would put her above everyone else and everything else as well. My thoughts and heart would all be for and about her, and I would value her more than my relationship w/ God. That tells me one thing...my heart is in the wrong place. I spend so much time thinking about how to impress or get girls to like me, that there's hardly any time for God. What about impressing God? Is impressing others more important to me than impressing God...If my heart is living for God and He becomes my number one goal then my focus and thoughts will finally shift from being on myself and my needs of finding my future wife, and turned to knowing and loving God more. With all my heart, and not just part of it...When what I want most in life is anything but Jesus Christ (even marriage or love) I will lose everything. But once my deepest desire is to love and know Jesus and I let my dreams and wishes go, then He will give me everything." Matt. 16:25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. "Psalms 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." I find great strength in this scripture. If I stop worrying about where my wife is and when I'm gonna meet her and blah blah blah- and just delight myself in the Lord, then my wife will come to me and my heart will be ready."
16 Feb 07
"I am trying to give God my want for a girl in my life right now but it's so hard. I feel discouraged because I don't know if I can give that up...I want someone to have close to me and to connect with so bad, it's just hard when I feel the loneliness creep in. I feel like it's so far away till I'll be ready to have someone. I need to give my heart to God first or I will never find her. That's how I feel and that's why it's hard for me because I want to find a girl now. but my heart is so weak and is set so much on finding a girl or being in a relationship that there's not as much room left for Jesus to be my love. I'm distracted right now and I need help. I need to give it up to God."
There's a Bible verse that really means a lot to me: Phil. 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I made my requests known to God about finding a girl to love and spend the rest of my life with and then I just did my best to trust Him and focus on Him. When I finally started to forget about girls and tried to show God how much I loved Him for saving me by living for Him and living His Word, then Katie came into my life. Our relationship was a friendship where we talked on the phone about God and how amazing He was. She was in Utah finishing up High School and I was in Florida with her brothers who are in the band (that's how we met), and we started calling each other many times a week because we had both left the Mormon church and were discovering this brand-new world of living the New Law of grace, and a relationship with Jesus. We talked for hours and hours about Jesus and the Bible and shared insights and sang songs to each other and fell in love because we both loved Jesus with all our hearts. We didn't even think about "us" only God and Jesus. So when we developed strong feelings for each other it just felt right because it was happening within us by God and not ourselves. We just loved God and it was like He connected us together through our connection and intimacy with Him. Now we are happily married and have been for two years. Our relationship began in the Word of God and in the Love of God and that's where we are striving to keep it. We encourage each other in our faith in Jesus and hold each other to the Bible. We are one with each other, all other Christians around the World in the Body of Christ, and with Christ Himself as He is one with God.
I hope these insights will help anyone out there who is focused on finding their future love as I was, to stop, and focus on the only true love, Jesus Christ. He will never let you down or disappoint, He is always faithful and committed, and His love never fails. If you delight yourself in Him, fall in head-over-heels love with Him, He will give you the desires of your heart and you will find rest and peace. He is my true love and I don't need anything else in this life. Like Paul says, I count everything that I once counted as gain, as loss compared to the surpassing riches of knowing my Lord Jesus (Phil. 3:7-9). God bless.
I made my requests known to God about finding a girl to love and spend the rest of my life with and then I just did my best to trust Him and focus on Him. When I finally started to forget about girls and tried to show God how much I loved Him for saving me by living for Him and living His Word, then Katie came into my life. Our relationship was a friendship where we talked on the phone about God and how amazing He was. She was in Utah finishing up High School and I was in Florida with her brothers who are in the band (that's how we met), and we started calling each other many times a week because we had both left the Mormon church and were discovering this brand-new world of living the New Law of grace, and a relationship with Jesus. We talked for hours and hours about Jesus and the Bible and shared insights and sang songs to each other and fell in love because we both loved Jesus with all our hearts. We didn't even think about "us" only God and Jesus. So when we developed strong feelings for each other it just felt right because it was happening within us by God and not ourselves. We just loved God and it was like He connected us together through our connection and intimacy with Him. Now we are happily married and have been for two years. Our relationship began in the Word of God and in the Love of God and that's where we are striving to keep it. We encourage each other in our faith in Jesus and hold each other to the Bible. We are one with each other, all other Christians around the World in the Body of Christ, and with Christ Himself as He is one with God.
I hope these insights will help anyone out there who is focused on finding their future love as I was, to stop, and focus on the only true love, Jesus Christ. He will never let you down or disappoint, He is always faithful and committed, and His love never fails. If you delight yourself in Him, fall in head-over-heels love with Him, He will give you the desires of your heart and you will find rest and peace. He is my true love and I don't need anything else in this life. Like Paul says, I count everything that I once counted as gain, as loss compared to the surpassing riches of knowing my Lord Jesus (Phil. 3:7-9). God bless.
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